I still don’t have this formula worked out, and I’m certain I never will since these darling Littles are always changing and so are their currencies. But I think it goes something like this:
the offense + injuries? + is this a repeat offense? x is this arrestable for an adult?
It certainly doesn’t help that you have just a few seconds to do this formula in your head if you believe (like I do) that consequences have to be immediate. At least there is the option to make them go to their room “while you figure out an appropriate consequence”… sometimes there’s nothing like letting them stew in it.
The Offense We all know this varies greatly. It could be words, or a behavior, or a violent act, or maybe they didn’t do something. The type of offense weighs heavily into the consequence, and which child committed the offense also carries heavy weight. Perhaps this should have been part of the equation, but now we’re getting far more intellectual than I care to be.
Injuries? If you’ve attacked your sibling to the point of injuring them, the consequence will be greater. And it needs to be a real injury. I have a daughter who is really good at overreacting and fake crying just for effect. This will not produce a harsher consequence for the offender. I’ve even at times used the Kind Act Consequence when injuries are involved. It has thus far worked pretty well, and the offender deeply hates it. Which, in my book, equals success as far as consequences are concerned.
Is this a repeat offense? This is a biggie for me. If you have demonstrated that you cannot be trusted in a certain area, then the consequence should and will escalate. For instance, Eli has unloaded in its entirety two full aerosol bottles of sunblock in our home. The first one was in our living room when he was maybe 4, which is little-ish, I admit. The second one was when he was 5 I believe, possibly 6, and it was in his bedroom when all three were playing in there and they were coughing and gagging. I was concerned I might physically harm him. The consequence? He and I spend the rest of the day in his room (with the windows open and fans on) and he had to smell everything in there. If anything smelled like sunblock, HE had to put it in the garbage. HE had to throw away some of his most valued toys… and he sobbed for days. But it hasn’t happen again.
Is this arrestable for an adult? If an adult would get arrested for what they did, I tell them so. They need to know that they can’t just follow through with whatever impulse comes their way. I get that they’re just children, but they won’t always be children, and I’m in charge of turning them into responsible adults. So these are the big ones for me – being inappropriate when they’re naked and physical violence when they’re angry. Chad and I have a zero tolerance for these in our home and there are never second chances on these. That’s why it’s a multiplier in the equation. I know kids will be kids, but my kids are all old enough to be extremely embarrassed to have anyone see them naked, so they shouldn’t be barging in on each other when they’re changing. They also shouldn’t be swinging at each other when they’re mad. It’s not acceptable, and they’ll only be getting stronger. I will not have bullies in my home.
I don’t have this all figured out. I make this stuff up as I go all the time. Even now I’m in the midst of a battle of wills to get our younger two kids to clean their rooms. I don’t generally make them have clean rooms, but right now I can’t even walk in there. They even have to come to the hallway at night to get a kiss goodnight. We told Eli he couldn’t get any new Legos until he could manage the ones he has by keeping them picked up. He cried, then decided he didn’t need new ones. Crap. Then we told him he couldn’t play the Wii or computer games until his room was picked up. He cried, then we found out he was getting up earlier than us to play before we got up. Crap. So now we put the Wii games away at night where they can’t find them until after school so we can monitor it. Now after school he has a snack, does homework, and must clean one area of his room before he can have supper. Is it harsh? Maybe. But he’s forcing our hand! We’re always having to tweak this equation. He’s a repeat offender (even just this week). And the consequence has to be worth it for them to decide to change.
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