Picture if you will…
A dad in the church lobby with a two or three year old, who is throwing an all-out tantrum. She is on the ground, kicking, yelling, m-a-d. The dad is standing nearby but not looking at her, just letting it happen. He is the cause of her anger. He is not giving in to prevent the tantrum. Instead, he is owning it. I really wanted to walk over and tell him he was doing a great job. He placed a boundary for her, she ran into it, and ticked her off. But her reaction is not changing the boundary. Good job, dad!!
THIS is what we must do as parents. Set the boundary, then reinforce it against all attacks. Against hurtful words, tantrums, further attempts to break it down. Hold your position! And then when they realize that you are standing your ground, they will not be happy. When they give in, that does not mean they will realize the error of their ways and understand your all-knowing brilliance. They will still be mad. You own that tantrum, fellow soldiers, because that means you are winning! I have held my son’s wrist in the church hallways after his refusal to walk politely, while he wiggled and dug his fingernails into my wrist. I still politely smile at my friends and say hello, ignoring the small beast trying to get out of my grasp, because I will win this battle. I set a boundary, he disobeyed, I will hold my position in the consequence. He will not embarrass me into getting out of the consequence. He will not hurt me into getting out of the consequence. He is not stronger than me. He is certainly not more stubborn than me. Friends, we are in a daily war to see who will outlast who in the matter of boundaries. Each one is a battle, and if we stand down you better believe they will notice! Choose your battles wisely, but you better win the ones you choose.
So set the boundary. And when they throw a tantrum – own it, soldier! It means you’re winning. Empathize with the fact that they don’t like it, but don’t change it. Be calm, yet firm. It will make a world of difference in this daily battle. Someone has to be the sane one and it sure as heck better be you.[subscribe2]
It is for this exact reason that we must choose our battles carefully! If we are to hold our position so staunchly, we must let the little things slide, focus on the things that are the most important. It’s always good to know that someone is looking at us in understanding instead of resentment at our bad parenting 🙂
Absolutely, Kristy! If you have to do this with every little thing that comes up, you’ll lose your mind! Some things don’t require holding your position, and my kids LOVE it when they hear me say a relaxed, “sure!” about something. They need to see both sides regularly, so that they can trust both sides (assuming that both sides are followed through with). I was just proud of that dad for not backing down just to get out of a little embarrassment. He did the right thing as a parent in that moment even though it was difficult and public! His little girl learned that she can trust him when he says no, and that is crucial! Thanks for your comment, I appreciate it!