Since reading the book Boundaries With Kids, I’ve been working on staying calm while disciplining my kids or giving the threat of discipline (which I always follow through on if they follow through with their behavior).  It’s not easy.  It takes a conscious effort and lots of deep breathing.  But the more I work on it, the less effort it takes.  Lately I’ve noticed it comes more naturally, and I couldn’t be more excited.

Then last week I noticed Eli was staying calmer as well.  Not completely calm, he is still a 7-year-old boy after all.  When it’s time for homework he stomps and says he doesn’t want to, then I calmly remind him that there will be no computer, TV, or outside time until his homework is done.  Then he comes to the table and sits.  WHAT??  He used to yell NO and run to his room, stomping on every step and knocking over everything in his path.  That sounds delightful, doesn’t it?  Whenever he displays calmness, I notice it and comment on it, telling him he did a great job and I’m proud of him.  One day he replied, “I know mom, I’ve been working really hard on staying calm.”  I couldn’t help but wonder if it’s because I’VE been working really hard on staying calm.  As a parent, I set the tone.  If I yell, they yell.  If I have an attitude, they have an attitude.  But if I can keep my cool, then maybe, just maybe, they will work on keeping theirs too.  I’ve also noticed that if I stay calm, then they know they’re not getting to me and I’m not going to change my mind.  They’re very observant little buggers.

I was discussing this with my friend Sheri the other day, and she said something funny, and wise — If you decide to go to Crazy Land, you better pack a lot of bags because you’re not going alone.  So, so true.  When Chad gets home, if I’m a wreck and yelling at everyone, he gets sucked into our craziness.  But if I can calmly tell him that I’m about to lose it and I need help, he calmly steps in.  When Eli is fighting tooth and nail over doing his spelling words (really?), I just tell him he doesn’t have to study them if he doesn’t want to get them right on the test.  Then I start putting the words away.  He says no, and we continue.  But if I fight back, it grows and grows.  And since I’m the mom, I have to win the fight, right??  Here’s what I’m realizing though – things run a lot smoother if the fight never even starts.  If I don’t engage in their crazy – you don’t have to study if you don’t want good grades; you can turn in blank homework and get zeros if you want; you don’t have to set the table if you don’t want your allowance; you don’t have to put your outside toys away if you don’t want to play outside tomorrow… you get the idea.  The calmer I stay, the less they get to me, and they notice that.

So that’s the fight I want to win – not the yelling fight, but the “can we suck her into our world of crazy” fight.  No.  No you cannot win that one.  Not today!