This may sound terribly, horribly selfish to some. I’m ready for that. These are my feelings right now, and I’m going to put them out there in case there are others who are feeling the same and need to know they aren’t alone…
I work part-time at our church and love it. I work three days a week while the kids are at school, and it helps me stay sane. I’ve had the most incredible baby-sitter for a few years now, and last Thursday was her last day with us as she is now 39 weeks pregnant. This week I’m working 9:15-11 every morning while Ada is in school (our sitter used to pick her up at 11:20 then bring her back to our house for the afternoon), so instead of 18 hours a week, I’m working 7.5 hours. It’s stressing me out a little bit. Then this afternoon I was being so short with the kids. I was certain they were being extra naughty (that may still be partially true). I later had a realization. I was bitter.
I get in these funks from time to time – I feel like the least important person in the house. If someone is sick, I clear my schedule. If someone needs to go to the doctor, I clear my schedule. If Chad needs to work late or on a weekend, I clear my schedule. My schedule must be the most flexible, which tends to translate in my heart to: my schedule matters the least. My head knows this isn’t true, but my head and heart don’t always agree.
But I’m the mom – this is what I do. Right??? It’s what WE do. It’s what I signed up for. I like to diagnose the problem, then I can fix it. So part one is done. On to part two. Fixing it. The only problem is…I don’t know HOW to fix it. I suppose with this one, knowing why I’m crabby is enough. I can step back, realize that it’s temporary (next week I’m back to three full days at work), take a breath, and move forward with parenting.
Nothing goes as planned when children are involved. They get sick, they have to go potty, they get hungry, they AREN’T hungry, they fight with each other, they try to fight with me, and on and on and on…
But here’s what I know. They need me. They need me to be consistent. To be trustworthy. To teach them to be trustworthy. To teach them to love God and His people. And so, so much more. So really, that means I’m the most important person in the house. When they get an earache and have to go to the school nurse, they want me. When they throw up in the middle of the night, they want me. (Thanks?) I want them to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when the school nurse does have to call me, I will come. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing, I will come. When one of my babies is sick, I will do what it takes.
As far as my work schedule goes this week, Chad has offered to let me off of bedtime duties tomorrow night so I can go in and get some more work done. Because I’m not the least important person in the house – we’re a team. I have an amazing husband, who parents with me and partners with me.
So good. I love your writing and your parenting.
Oh, Janna… I so hear you! I feel the same way. 🙂 Hugs to you! My schedule doesn't really matter… sigh. Yes, I think that's called being a Mom, but we ARE a team! So, there must be compromise. I announced to Josh tonight, "You need to help." period. 🙂 And he jumped. I'm just thankful I'm not doing this alone. I really don't know how single parents do it.
Wow, the feelings are the same, but love the truth too. Just this morning I said to Jonathan, "I hate being just a snot rag" as another kids seems to just want me to wipe their nose on. Then I remembered something from a book I'm reading, "Loving the Little Years" being a Thankster not a Crankster – and had to verbally say out loud basically what you did, thank you God for these kids and thank you that I can take care of them!
Oh friend…. YES, we all need to be reminded that we are not alone! A few months ago, I went through a season when the words, "Am I invisible?!" were muttered under my breath (and sometimes, at the TOP of my lungs!) in my house on a regular basis.
I was just sharing this with Kristi Schlatter tonight…. a few years ago, I went to the national MOPS convention. My most vivid memory: Rick Warren spoke…. he shared a whole list of platforms that he has spoken on (to politicians, celebrities, etc.)…. and then, he looked across the room of thousands of moms and said something along the lines of, "And YOU are THE most influential group that I have EVER spoken to…. EVER!" You and I are changing the world, friend…. I believe in you. Thanks for believing in me, too! 🙂
Thank you, friends! I do love my ever-widening circle of fellow-mommas. I'm so thankful we're all in this together, whether we're in Fort Wayne or Australia!! Thank you for the encouragement, that we've felt this way at sometime or another. Being a momma sure has its ebbs and flows!