I had an appointment with my ENT this morning, where I thought we were going to schedule my second sinus surgery.  I didn’t want to have this surgery.  I’ve been praying for healing, but I’ve been making preparations for my kids in case I have the surgery because that’s what moms do.

The doctor came in, reviewed the results of my CT scan, and said he didn’t think the surgery was necessary yet.  I started crying.  What??  Yep.  I started crying.  I’ve basically had a sinus infection for six months.  Last April when I had the surgery, I felt so much better the next day.  I wanted to feel like that again.  I just wanted someone to take care of me and make me feel better.  I thought I didn’t want the surgery again, but it turns out I did.  So through my tears, which believe you me, I tried desperately to fight back, I asked, “Well then how else are you going to empty those sinuses?”  (Because that’s the kind of patient I am.)  Three new prescriptions on top of the three pills I already take every day.  Awesome.

I got in my car, called Chad, cried some more, he was awesome (of course), then I prayed.  I trust God, I just needed time to process all of this – that I had unknown expectations that didn’t get met, and there was a new plan.  I asked for healing – I even had Pastor Stan pray healing over me at our Good Friday service last week.  I believe in God’s healing power.  I don’t know how He’ll heal me, or if He’ll heal me, but either way I’ll still trust Him.

I don’t really know what the point is of this post, or how to wrap it up neatly.  I was just thinking about it.  I don’t think my reaction of tears showed that I wasn’t trusting God, it was just that – a reaction.  I needed time.  It showed something I wasn’t being honest with myself about.  Maybe it showed that I’m tired and worn down.  Maybe my schedule is too full.  Maybe I really am One Tired Momma.  One thing is for sure – God’s grace is sufficient for me.  If He can raise the dead, He can certainly restore and refresh this woman.  Praise God.