I’ve written too many times about my time at the ENT doctor.  Well I went again last week because I’ve had some large white spots in the back of my throat for 2.5 months that my family doctor thought was tonsillitis, but two rounds of antibiotics still hadn’t cleared it up.

You remember my ENT right?  He calls me a “mixed bag”.  Not your “usual patient”.  I’ve been seeing him for four years for chronic sinusitis and migraines that are now controlled by nasal spray, daily preventative meds, and glasses for astigmatism that I didn’t know I had.

Good times.  BUT I’m thankful that I don’t have migraines and sinus infections all the time.  I’m thankful.

I don’t have tonsillitis.  I have scar tissue in my throat from four years of chronic sinusitis, which equals four years of post-nasal drip and clearing my throat.  Scar tissue.  This nuisance that I hope and pray might still go away at some point now made a tally in the permanent column.

I told him that my throat feels dry a lot, and it affects my singing, and I have morning voice all day sometimes, and I sing lower.  He just nodded, looked at me, and said, “Yep.”  Oh.

Maybe you don’t know that I sing.  I sing at church and I am passionate about singing harmony in worship.  I’m not the best singer on the stage, but I know God doesn’t care.  My heart can’t fit inside of me when I’m singing harmony to God.  And now sometimes my voice won’t.  And I am grieving that.  Sometimes I can, I just have to find a lower harmony.  Sometimes my throat feels like it is coated with cotton and I can’t stop swallowing.  And sometimes I just cry because, well because.  I don’t have words yet for that one.

I’ll move past, I’m healthy, in the big picture this isn’t a big deal.  But today I am grieving.

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