My pastor, my friend, my boss, had a brain tumor removed two weeks ago. The next day he was emailing, making phone calls, on Facebook, it was amazing. Miraculous even. He was better than before having the surgery. Then today happened. He and his family got news that the tumor was stage 4 cancer. Cancer. Quite possibly my most hated word. It’s been 8 1/2 years since my life was bruised by that word and I would have been perfectly happy to never hear it again. Tonight I got another bruise, along with the hundreds, possibly thousands of people who love Pastor Stan. Tonight this news felt so heavy I could barely walk under the weight of it.
So tonight I find myself feeling useless. There’s nothing I can do for them. I helped my neighbor because I needed to help someone. I’ve been praying continually, but mostly the only word I can get out is “Jesus”. That’s probably the only word I need. I don’t know why it is, and I’m ashamed to admit it, but when the only thing I can do is pray, I still feel useless. It doesn’t feel like I’m actually doing anything to help. I need to physically do something. I’m a helper. Is it a faith issue? Do I not truly understand God’s character or His Word? Maybe it’s just tonight, and the wound is too fresh, and the news is too heavy, and I simply need to grieve. My friend Sheri wrote a great post here about prayer, that tonight we are face down in prayer, and tomorrow we will get up. So tonight I will allow myself time to grieve. Then tomorrow I will get up. I will lift my eyes up to the heavens. I will trust God, the One who made Pastor Stan, and loves Him, and knew this day long ago.
I appreciate having this place to pour out my honest, ugly feelings. If your head is swirling like mine, feel free to unload here. Let’s care for each other well, friends.
Janna,
You captured much of what has been on my heart and mind since I heard the news earlier this afternoon. I've been praying a lot, asking for God's healing for Pastor Stan and for God's amazing peace for his entire family and our Sonrise church family. Despite praying so much, I feel like it's not enough, that there has to be more to do… I keep remembering, though, that God isn't surprised by this and He knew about this all along.
Thanks for sharing your heart tonight…
In Him,
Reese
hey, girl… when I heard the news, i felt all tingly and could not even get up and walk. I want to post a comment on his caring page, but words won't even come out and my fingers won't type. The only word that keeps wanting to come out is "love". I think that's all we can do now. We need to pray well, love well and trust well. come over here if you need to hang out (and even help!) love you so much!
I have found myself in this "useless" place far too many times this past year. The burden of grief so heavy I could hardly stand up under it. I pray that you will see God at work in all things. Even the ugly. Hugs!