I’ve mentioned here before that I don’t like to cry – I feel like the tears are controlling my body instead of me. But I’m still in a grieving period over the loss of Pastor Stan Buck, and I cry about that regularly.
There is this song called “Forever Reign” by Hillsong, and it somehow was the song that we sang at church when Pastor Stan was diagnosed, then his first Sunday back after surgery and chemo, whenever he had a clear scan, then when he was re-diagnosed, and on the day that he died. This song holds a mountain-full of history and emotions for me, and I have come to grips with the fact that I cannot sing it without crying. I certainly TRY not to cry, but a few tears manage to escape.
Last Friday night Chad and I had the opportunity to see Hillsong in concert and wouldn’t you know this was the last song they played. As soon as they sang, “You are good” I was done. Here was the great blessing of that night – it was soooo loud in that room. Thousands of people were together for the single and united purpose of worshiping God. And they did it with amazing volume. I realized that I had the unique freedom to really and truly ugly cry in that room, to sing with a sobbing voice, and no one could hear me but my Savior. And so I found myself truly, deeply, grieving at a Hillsong concert.
I sing those words, and I mean them. I know they are true, and they give me hope. It’s a hard song, and it’s a good song. It’s simple and it’s everything I feel.
So I sang when I was able, I cried until my shirt was wet, and I felt no shame. Part of me hopes that this experience will release me from the hold this song has on me, and part of me is worried that if I don’t cry when I sing it then that means I am starting to miss our pastor less.
Still…I know these words are true.
You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You’re the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost its sting