My Deepest, Darkest, Most Ugly Secret

Here goes.  This is tough for me.  This secret lies in the farthest corner of my heart, where it’s dark and no one is allowed.  It’s in a locked drawer.  But the problem is that I am allowed there.  And being there alone is … lonely.

I don’t love being a mom.  I don’t always love being with my kids.  Sometimes, in the deep trenches of parenting, I think Chad and I would have been perfectly happy as just the two of us.

I’ve kept the secret locked up tight because I was afraid of the judgement and suggestions I would get.  Try this.  Just do this.  Read this.  Pray this.  I’ve tried, done, read, and prayed.  The problem is that none of those had changed my heart.  I’ve pleaded with God to change my heart.  To make me happy as the momma to these three Littles.

I don’t think that’s how it works though to have a relationship with God.  He doesn’t just make you happy.  I need to work on my heart, with him.  I need to choose to be happy as a mom because it’s certainly not a temporary gig.  So, for example,  last night I let Grace help me make supper and dessert.  I don’t love help when I’m cooking, but she loves it.  I let her help, and I stayed patient (it took effort), and Chad was proud of me.  I know, it’s sad.  But that is what I’m doing.  I’m working on it.  I’m putting the effort in to find the joy in parenting.  Because if I don’t search for it, all I see is refereeing fights and having nightly homework battles.

I believe Satan WANTS this secret to stay locked up tight, where it can have a hold of shame and doubt over me.  I can’t let him have his way.  I think he wants ALL of our secrets to stay locked up tight, because that’s where he has power over them and us.  He’s pretty good at the shame and doubt game.  And that is why I’m writing this post.  I won’t let him win.  Don’t let him win.  Tell your spouse, parent, trusted friend what your battle is.

You can do it.


6 thoughts on “My Deepest, Darkest, Most Ugly Secret

  1. Janna,
    You may not love being a mom, but you do love your kids. That is what is important. If we enjoy alone time, does that mean we don’t love being with our spouse or children? I don’t think so.
    I have heard you many times talk about the kids with admiration and pride. I also know that you enjoy time away from them, to recharge. After all, they can drain you pretty quickly! Mom and I know that for a fact!
    Don’t take this as an attempt to fix it, or you. Just take it as encouragement to continue the struggle. I remember times myself, believe it or not, that I wasn’t having fun being YOUR dad. There were days that I did not love it. But, it was all worth it in the end.
    I am proud of you for many things. One of those things is that you can be open, honest, and make yourself vulnerable. Especially knowing that your mom or dad might read this confession. I will not judge you, or think any less of you. That is my promise to you. But I will love you and pray for you!

  2. Janna,
    You may not LOVE being a mom, but you LOVE like a great mom. I’m proud of you for being honest, I have a feeling its not so dark or lonely in that corner anymore. Good job, my friend, good job.
    Love, Sheri

  3. One more thing, sometimes choosing love is the highest form of love. Pastor Stan once told that to me, so I shall pass that truth on.

    1. THANK YOU for that truth! I was able to pass that on to someone else recently. I love passing on truths from Pastor Stan 🙂

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