Our church is doing a series on “Fighting For Marriage”, and this week is about fighting. It inspired some thinking…
Chad and I don’t fight a lot. Our last really big one was probably last spring. Honestly. We have random pointless “skirmishes” about dishes and sharing the work-load like anyone else, but I’m talking the big, yelling, take a break and come back to it later fights. We used to fight more, and about less important things, but we’ve learned how to fight with purpose through our 11 1/2 years of marriage. So in this post, you’re getting my introspective thoughts… possibly rambling. Sounds fun!
If I stop to think about why we fight less, I would have to say it’s because we try to head them off at the pass, nip it in the bud before it gets any bigger. I’m non-confrontational by nature, and would rather quietly stew until it passes. Chad can see me stewing from a mile away, and drags it out of me – which I appreciate more now than I used to. Anyway. We discuss the feelings (mine), usually discover it was a simple case of “he said, she heard”, apologize, hug, and move on. Chad makes a genuine effort to not say or do whatever it was, because he does love me, and does not want to hurt me.
When we DO fight… it can be a doozy. We yell (after the kids are in bed if we can help it, although we do want to model conflict resolution). I cry. I do my best to distinguish between helpful words, and “blowing off steam and might burn Chad” words – choosing the helpful. We are silent for fear of saying something really bad. Then we always take a break. We breathe. We think. We pray. Then we come back together, and apologize for whatever it is we need to apologize for. We work to find some sort of solution so that this fight doesn’t happen again. And we forgive each other.
So here’s what I think. Fighting in marriage is learning that you’re not really fighting against your spouse, but you’re fighting against conflict and divorce. I will not divorce my husband. I made a vow to him and God. Sometimes you have to fight to keep that vow. You have to fight to make the relationship better, because conflicts will happen. I choose not to sweep them under the rug until we can no longer walk into the room. I choose not to become indifferent towards the man God made me to love. I choose to fight through the conflict so that we can resolve it and never have that conflict again. Sure there will be others, but that one is (hopefully) fixed.
I love Chad more now than before. I am happier now than before. He makes me smile and laugh, and he still gives me goose bumps. We have learned to fight for our marriage rather than against each other.
And on a side note, I highly recommend the book Love and Respect. : )
Josh and I had a 10 minute "fight" a few nights ago. It was totally a – SHE SAID, HE HEARD – type of a fight. It ended beautifully with hugs, understanding and forgiveness – and we both learned something from it. Josh and I are fighting for our marriage with you 2! 🙂 love you, friend!
Paul and I just went to a marriage retreat that was really good centered on Emotionally Focused Therapy. Paul and I don't have big fight often either, buy we bicker more than I want (mostly due to stress and exhaustion) and they taught you how to prepare ahead of time to know what stresses your spouse, meet their needs throughout the day and recognize when they are emotionally drained or stressed and give them grace and help them not blow up. We still need to go through the mini booklet but I'm excited because I think it will get us to a different point in our marriage. They talk about being your spouses 'safe haven' and how when we attack, argue and criticize each other in the midst of these arguments, whether they are few or many, we are destroying the oneness in our relationship and give you ways to break that cycle an truly work together in all things. It was awesome. So, I too am fighting for my marriage with you two!
That reminds me of one critical detail: Chad and I always warn each other when we're in a bad mood, or need down time!! It is so much easier to warn each other than have to explain AFTER a blow-up!